The most important question we rarely ask ourselves
There’s a question that quietly holds the power to reshape our lives. It’s not grand or complicated.
In fact, it’s simple:
“Who do I want to be right now?”
It’s a question we often overlook, especially when life is unraveling, or ironically, when everything seems perfect. Yet it might be the most important question we can ask ourselves. Not tomorrow. Not someday. Right now.
When It’s All Going Right
When things are flowing, when the wins are piling up and we feel on top of the world, it's easy to be just be whoever we want to be. Things going right in our lives has a great way of showing the best of us, but also the worst. We might ease off on working on ourselves, or in checking in if this is exactly what we want. We might dial up all our values, and out pressure on ourselves to maintain, to be more, to not rest, to not enjoy success, to keep striving, after more.
It’s wrong to assume are being the best version of ourselves when things are going right. We might be. Or we might not be.
At all times we have to tap into the question - Am I being who I want to be right now?
When we ask it in the good times, it can help us through the tricky times. Asking “Who am I being right now?” and then “Is this who I want to be?” in the good times helps us anchor our values and keep our direction clear. It reminds us not to get lost in comfort or momentum, but to stay present, purposeful, and grounded in our identity.
When It’s All Falling Apart
And then there is when it all goes wrong. The plan failed. The relationship cracked. The money’s tight. The incident happened. The change curve hit you.
In these moments, our first instinct is often to spiral, emotionally, mentally, even spiritually. We react. We defend. We panic. We worry. The pain takes the wheel. We allow emotions to control our thoughts. We catastrophise. We be all human about it. Because it’s completely normal to respond in a messy way to curve balls in our life. When things aren’t going our way.
And after the initial response moment, when you react how you needed to in that moment, there is another moment, where you can pause and then ask the question -
“Who do I want to be right now?”
Not in the future when things get better. Not when the crisis passes. Not when someone else fixes it. Right now, in the middle of the mess.
This question doesn’t pretend to solve all your problems. But it brings you back to centre. It cuts through the chaos and reconnects you with your values. It puts the power of choice back in your hands.
You may not be able to control what’s happening. But you can decide to show up with integrity. You can decide to be resilient, kind, honest, patient, or courageous, or whatever feels most true to you.
Why We Don’t Ask the Question Enough
Most of us were never taught to think about this question. We were taught to ‘do’ our way into and out of things, to chase goals, solve problems, or “fix” our feelings. But we weren’t encouraged to be with ourselves in the moment and ask who we want to become through it.
We forget that our identity isn’t a fixed point; it’s a choice we make over and over.
When we stop to ask this question, we shift from reacting to owning our response. From being at the mercy of our circumstances to becoming authors of our character.
And that shift? That’s where growth lives. That’s where transformation begins.
It can also be where calm, joy and opportunity lie. Where a healthy, happier life sits. For everyone, not just you, for the people around you.
(Unless of course the answer to the question is - I want to be a raging , bad tempered ass right now, - and then, well you live with your consequences I guess!).
The Power of Now
The beauty of the question lies in its immediacy. It doesn’t ask “Who do you want to be someday?” It asks about right now, in this breath, this conversation, this challenge.
It asks us to show up. To be intentional, not necessarily perfect. But own who we are being.
Maybe right now, you want to be the person who takes a deep breath instead of snapping back. Maybe you want to be someone who chooses hope, or who simply keeps going, one step at a time. Or who dials up kindness and compassion in a moment when you feel like you have nothing.
That’s enough. That’s everything.
The next time things go wrong, and even when everything’s going right, pause and ask:
“Am I being who I want to be right now?”
Not who others expect you to be. Not who you think you should be. But who you choose to be.
This question won’t solve every problem but it will guide you back to yourself.
And that’s where the real answers begin.