Sitting in a pool of disappointment

I’m currently sitting in a pool of disappointment. On a personal front, on a community front, on a world front. It’s one of those emotions that can come to visit us that may sometimes feel a bit indulgent, a bit wrong, like we shouldn’t feel it.

Yet it sits there, heavy and quiet, reminding us that something didn’t go, isn’t going, the way we hoped. Disappointment is part of being human. It means we cared, we invested, we wanted something to work out. We expected something. And our expectations have not been met.

And then we might want to share that disappointment with others. Because it is how we feel. And yet, even though we all go through disappointment, it’s rare we are given permission to feel it.

Often, the moment we admit we feel disappointed, let down, the response is to push us out of the disappointment zone.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.” “At least you still have X.” “My cousin went through the same thing and now she’s thriving.”

These are well intentioned words, but they don’t always help. In fact, they can feel like a dismissal, a smoothing over of something that actually hurts, that needs acknowledged. I caught myself saying this to a client, ‘at least you have xx’ I offered. I knew immediately that was the wrong thing to say. All I needed to do was acknowledge their pain. They were deeply hurting, and the disappointment was rolling into worry.

Sometimes, what someone really needs is space to sit in their disappointment. Not forever, not to get stuck there but long enough to honour it. Because disappointment can show us what matters to us. It shows us that we had hope, that we tried, that we cared enough to feel the sting when things didn’t work out.

The psychology of sitting with emotions

As I caught myself trying to pull someone out of this zone, I realised my error. After our call I looked up the art of allowing people to sit in their emotions. It felt like a skill I needed, and maybe lacked! Always running to try to fix people!

Psychologists call this emotional acceptance, the practice of allowing ourselves to feel emotions fully, rather than pushing them away. Research shows that acceptance is linked to better psychological health and resilience. So we ave to give disappointed feels time to be, but not time to grow.

A study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2017, Shallcross et al.) found that people who accepted their negative emotions, rather than judging or suppressing them, experienced fewer mood-related difficulties and less stress over time. Feeling your feelings actually helps you bounce back faster.

On the other hand, emotional suppression, the tendency to push emotions aside or pretend they don’t exist, can backfire. Studies by James Gross on emotion regulation suggest that suppression often increases physiological stress (like raised heart rate and blood pressure) and leaves the underlying emotion unresolved. It’s a bit like pushing a ball under water: it will always pop back up somewhere, somehow, not always fully in control!

Allowing for a bit of disappointment then, is not indulgence, it’s healthy. It’s the difference between carrying unacknowledged weight in your body and mind, or setting it down gently so it can fade.

How to create space for disappointment

If you are with someone who’s disappointed, your role doesn’t have to be “fixer.” I note to myself!

You don’t need to reassure, redirect, or share a story about how someone else overcame the same thing. Instead, just be there. Sit alongside them. Listen without rushing in. Let them have a little wallow time. Sometimes a sigh, a cup of tea, and a quiet nod are more healing than any motivational pep talk.

If you’re the one feeling disappointed, try giving yourself that same permission. Don’t force positivity too soon. Let yourself be human. Maybe write it down, maybe talk it through with someone you trust, maybe just sit with it for a while. Disappointment is not a weakness, it’s a sign you cared enough to risk wanting something.

Over time, the weight of disappointment does ease. Perspective comes, new paths open, different hopes emerge. But that can’t be rushed. First comes the sitting. The listening. The letting it be.

So the next time disappointment shows up, whether it’s yours or someone else’s, don’t push it away. Make space for it. Honour it. That space is often all that’s needed for healing to begin that will mean you can reenergise and move forwards again.