Beyond the Mess - a different kind of door closing

This is a bit of a personal blog. I’m not sure of the purpose. But felt the need to write it and explore where it goes as I write. Because recently a few doors have closed, and are closing, in our family life and it made me reflect on saying goodbye, being in the space in-between, and moving on.

I live in a gated community, with its own ‘private security’, its own beach, its own runway, its own sailing club, riding stables and land sailing club. Sometimes I get stuck in traffic behind top of the range Bentley’s testing out how fast they can go. People spend their days jogging along the beach and cycling along the nature reserve pathways.

So what’s the problem?

Well the ‘problem’ is… we are moving on.

It’s time to say goodbye. And of course, that’s a bit sad. I like it here.

The gated community is an army base. Where people come and go. And in amongst tanks and soldiers on their PT exercises, removal vans bring things to a close & start new beginnings. Again.

(The clubs mentioned above are civilian clubs, we cant use them, but it sounds good doesn’t it!)

The temporary, transitional life of being a military family means you never properly bed down. It is never quite home. It is your ‘for now’ place. There is always talk of where you’ve come from and where you’ll be going next, even if you’ve just arrived. And always dreams of having a ‘forever’ home.

You make decisions based on ‘Amount of effort & reward v Future effort to undo’. Somewhere there is an optimising point where you commit.

It is a big decision to put a nail in the wall and hang a picture properly. In the back of your mind you know that is an extra couple of hours of your future self filling in the holes and trying to find matching paint - magnolia, but not as anyone else knows it.

Apart from the toilet of course. All across the land in military homes, you have the honour of sharing your private moment with rows of semi smiling, smouldering faces. All lined up like a school photo but with more coordinated uniform. They look down on you, as you have your moment. “Good morning Sirs.” They ‘Blue Steel’ encouragement.

I should point out that our current downstairs toilet does not have the usual parade of photos. We never got round to it. The photos are propped up against the wall in anticipation. So it means they are looking up to me, not down. Small wins.

So you hover. (Not on the toilet – in life, we are now out of toilet)

You have to make a decision where you dive in and make contact & connection.

Is it worth making friends? Is it worth connecting with the local area?

When we moved to this army paradise I had just started my business. In the previous location I’d started to create local contacts, a local business coach, local business owning friends. And then we moved. And I wobbled.

We moved just before Christmas, January was a tough time to start resettling the business.

I found out the hard way the house didn’t have great WiFi or 4G. I found a co-working space in the local University business centre. And I started to make local friends. I went to local events, yoga classes, business book clubs.

I wanted to give this my best shot.

I made my list of 20 local businesses to target. Two were on my dream client list regardless of location. It was exciting to know Fat Face and Montezuma had local HQs. I felt like this was a sign. I knew I would get some work with them. Things were feeling positive. Maybe even exciting. I wrote down my goals, very intentional and with timings and dates.

I started knocking on doors. Trying to make connections, having coffee with a few kind people. I started to search for a local business coach. And met some amazing people.

But. The business was losing money. We’d been waiting to move for 3 months, the date had moved 4 times. I had not taken any revenue for 4 months, with the move and Christmas and restart, things had stalled. And I started to stall. I felt myself shrink. After 6 months of nothing I shifted from looking for work to focusing on keeping my mind ok.

And for people who ask “why do you bother with work - you are an army wife” (yes, that is a thing that gets said to you) - well it’s none of your business why someone wants to work. Maybe I have to, maybe I want to, that is no concern for you. I work. It is me.

So things didn’t feel great. But in another way it felt ok. It is all about how you feel each day. It’s not all about how much money you’ve bagged. I trained myself to get up and think ‘I’m ok today’. I decided to find things to do that would reinforce the feeling of being ok - help others, I did lots of mentoring calls, lots of free consultation, started a podcast and lots of writing.

It was time to redirect my focus.

I got a book coach. I invested at a moment when I had no income. But that’s intention for you! I just felt I had to get this book out to the World.

It felt like not getting work was a gift of the creating space for the book to happen. That probably sounds a bit woooo. But it’s just how it felt.

My energy went into writing. And now writing really easily because I was reliving what I was writing about. Being out of work. Searching for the next door. Trying to start something new but not being sure of what. The book flowed. I felt calm. I stopped panicking, despite funds disappearing.

I walked, sometimes ran, to a bird hut everyday and sat and stared at the sea. It became part of my routine, and part of the way to be calm despite wanting to panic. The comfort of fresh air and nature.

A lot of stuff happens in the space in-between. Things go wrong. Things go right. Each person you meet gives you a lift, some hold you back.

But you keep hoping. And you keep going. Because what else is there to do?

So the book got written. And I enjoyed writing it.

And work came in.

6 months behind my intentional goals I’d written, and not the local brands I’d hoped for. But still it came in.

And from there I rebuilt momentum, got a few more clients, and restored business cash flow and my self-esteem.

So now it’s time to move on again.

No ‘you don’t get used to it’ but it does become just a thing you do. A moment you can reflect and then look forward.

I think about when we arrived. Only 18 months ago. No work. Not sure what to do next. Not sure how to make local connections. I am still a long way off from my original goals Id written in January last year. Yes 18 months later still evolving, still slowly progressing. But yes progressing.

I leave better than I arrived. I got book deal. I got a Tedx talk. I worked with Channel 4 who were on my dream client list. I worked with Reach plc on some great programme work. I met some brilliant people.

None of these were on my goal list. They were a far fetched dream at best. It had all felt hard at the time, and I made goals small to make me feel like I could achieve them. But what I did reset was how I looked after myself and I how I viewed opportunity. I asked more questions and found ways to make things work, instead of assuming they wouldn’t work without even trying. Yes it meant early commutes into London, childcare juggles, compromises and tired weekends - but it all was possible.

So the message I guess is, you can allow yourself to think and dream big – even when it feels like everything is crashing down around you. If you are out of work it can feel like your only goal has to be ‘get a job’. But when I switched to looking after myself a bit more, and trying to allow myself to enjoy my days, things changed. I felt better, more open. And opportunity came along.

And so our time on this beautiful part of the country comes to an end.

I am pleased that I can say I have enjoyed it. I embraced it. Even in lockdown, the community presence felt strong.

It might not have been the start Id wanted or hoped for, but it’s not a bad way to move on.

So we are surrounded by packing boxes. And right now we are at that tipping point margin of ‘perfect home’ scenario. The point when you are living with just enough stuff that there is no clutter, when only essentials are left, and when you have no idea what is actually in any of the packed boxes. You wonder if they should just all head to the skip. But of course not - they will be dutifully shifted to the next garage, the next storage, the next loft. Just in case.

As we reach the moment where we have to decide whether to buy a new bottle of shower gel or will hand wash just do, it’s a moment of reflection.

18 months ago I came here with some ideas, hopes & dreams.

When one door closes… you have say goodbye, and celebrate the door that is closing. You can’t stay mournful for too long. Onwards we must go. To the next venture. The next adventure play park. The next co-working space. The next Regimental Mess.

eleanor

(*Mess is a military place where they socialise, eat, dress up as Greek Gods, swig Port and play Ping Pong drinking games).