Navigating setbacks; somethings matter, somethings don’t

TryingSetbacks

23 Jul

When things go wrong, when we face a setback, it’s easy to fall into default responses. We might catastrophise and imagine the worst. Or we might keep powering forward, ignoring the emotional impact entirely. Personally, I try not to let setbacks drain my energy but that’s easier said than done, and sometimes it’s the wrong move - because sometimes it’s ok to get cross, upset, angry, and sometimes it isn’t.

Not all setbacks are equal.

That’s why we acknowledge life is messy! There is never a straight forward, simple answer when it comes to how to navigate life. But one thing for sure is we need to tune into how we are responding, where our energy is going, and is that what we are wanting, and needing in that moment.

Beware of getting stuck in the ‘happening’

Sometimes, we waste valuable time ruminating, replaying conversations in our heads, ranting internally (or externally), and burning through energy reacting to what’s happened. Instead of being present, we get stuck in the ‘happening’. And from that place, it’s hard to make a clear choice about what to do next.

This isn’t a call to always be positive, far from it. Sometimes, it's absolutely right to feel disappointed, frustrated, or heartbroken, it’s sometimes OK to get cross, to get angry. Other times, staying angry or bitter doesn’t help, and we need to consciously choose to let go. The key is learning to pause and tune in to an essential question:

Does this really matter to me?

That question helps bring a calm and clarity, not to avoid feelings, but to understand them.

It helps us figure out what deserves our energy and attention, and what might just be a default response, a habit or noise.

Sometimes things happen that are world-shifting or societally important. They’re large in scale and they matter deeply to us. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, upset, or even hopeless in the face of that. In these moments, it’s helpful to notice what you can control, and what you can’t. It’s okay to feel what you feel, write it down, share it with a trusted mentor, give it shape. But also: be gentle with yourself. No one can fix everything at once.

Other times, something happens and you realise: I do care about this, and I do have agency here. So the question becomes: do you have the energy to act? Can you take one step, however small, toward what matters?

And sometimes something happens, and honestly, it doesn’t really matter, not to you, not in the bigger picture. And in those moments, it’s okay to let go. Not every irritation needs a reaction. Not every disruption needs fixing, not every setback needs a full rant. Letting go can create space for something better to arrive.

This isn’t about minimising what matters it’s about learning how to respond from a place of awareness, not reactivity.

The Setback Respond Grid

The world will keep throwing challenges your way. So finding ways to navigate setbacks so that it serves you, and supports you, can be game changing. The grid below was my attempt to work through what was going on with a series of setbacks. It’s not fully formed or complete, but gets you thinking about how you really feel, how you need to respond, how you want to respond - it gives you agency, makes you feel in control of the setback.

This grid isn’t a magic fix, but it can help you slow down, ask better questions, and find a more grounded way forward.

The Scale vs. Significance grid can help you think through what has happened, to reflect not just on the event itself, but on its impact.

It’s a simple but powerful way to check in: How important is this to me, really? Is it something I need to hold onto, or is it something I can let go of?

By locating where the setback sits, big or small, personally meaningful or not, you give yourself space to respond with clarity and intention, rather than habit or emotional momentum. It’s about learning to listen inward before deciding how to move forward.

When setbacks happen, we often react without really thinking about the nature of the setback itself. Are we spiraling over something minor? Ignoring something that truly matters?

Ask yourself two essential questions:

On a scale of 1–10, what is the scale, how big is this setback in terms of its impact? (e.g., does it affect many people, long-term plans, major systems, or the wider group?)
On a scale of 1–10, what is the significance, how much does this setback matter to you personally? (e.g., emotionally, ethically, professionally, or in your core values?)

let go (high impact + low significance)

"It was a big deal… but not for me, I’m Ok with it."
(High impact for others, community or systems, but you’re not emotionally invested)

For example: A major team decision didn’t go your way, but you’re not attached. A company restructure affects your department but leaves you personally fine. A community change, local issues.

Suggested response: Let go, and move on
You can acknowledge that it mattered, but you are ok with it. Don’t waste energy ruminating. Let it go and create space for what does matter. Be aware that others might not be in the same space as you. You can choose to be there for others, or choose to move away from the group.
Reflective questions:
- Did I do what I could, given my role / position / situation?
- Can I support others, wish others well and still move forward?
- Is there anything can I learn from this?

intentional progress (HIGH SIGNIFICANCE + HIGH IMPACT)

"This matters deeply. I can’t ignore it."
(Both you and others are affected, and it matters to your core.)

For example: A social justice issue that aligns with your values. A project failure that hits your sense of purpose. A loss with personal and public consequences.
Suggested response: Keep going, but wisely.
Stay engaged but guard your energy. Don’t carry it all alone. Recalibrate your efforts, reconnect with support, and keep walking toward change.
Reflective questions:
- What’s one small action I can take now?
- Who can help me, how can I help others?
- Where is my energy most effective?

mindful progress (HIGH SIGNIFICANCE + LOW IMPACT)

"This really matters to me, even if it’s small, or not for everyone."
(Minor in scale but meaningful to you personally.)

For example: A personal goal setback, creative rejection, falling out with a close friend.
Suggested response: Gentle persistence.
It’s okay to care deeply about small things. Honour your experience. Reset your thinking. Take small, joyful steps forward.
Reflective questions:
- What did this teach me about what I value?
- What do I need to process, think about, to be able to keep going?
- How can I keep going without burning out?

move on (LOW SIGNIFICANCE + LOW IMPACT)

"It was annoying, but it doesn’t really matter."
(Minor, forgettable, emotionally neutral)

For example: A delayed email response. A miscommunication in a meeting. A social post that didn’t land.
Suggested response: Move on, don’t waste energy
Don’t feed it. Don’t fuel it. This is the kind of setback best met with a deep breath and a quick exit.
Reflective questions:
- Can I laugh about this yet?
- What do I want to focus on instead?
- How do I move on without wasting energy on what happened?